*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
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I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Snapes on a plane.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.