Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake

me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?

fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?

They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.

Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.

“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.

Kim – Where is North West?

Kanye – *takes out compass*

Kim – I mean my baby!

Kanye – I’m right here.

Kim – Jesus Kanye!

Kanye – Yeezus*

What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.

Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions

Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication

people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.

Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.

(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast

7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away

Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!

ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.

Saturday

*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”

me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks

veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer

Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

[Dies]

Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.

Me: Dammit

I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard

do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?

*Removes smoke detector battery

**Cooks in silence

I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.

If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.

Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de

being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.

me: did you know there’s a complex named after you

oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?

me:

oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?

[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]

Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?

Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?

Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT

Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things

Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right

My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!

‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic