Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.

They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*

Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?

[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open

Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.

Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder

Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.

Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap

Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”

THERAPIST: What do u wish for?

WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together

ME: A penguin butler

Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?

Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?

A leaf blower, but for people.

Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.

My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you

Me: *making a snow angel*

Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor

I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.

I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.

My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.

Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem

Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s

Doctor: And how many partners have you had?

Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.

my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.

WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.

Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.

Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo