Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.

MY BODY: You should exercise

ME: That sounds good

MY BODY: Because it’s heathy

ME: Yeah!

MY BODY: And makes you feel good

ME: Definitely!

MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!

ME: I’m lost

Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.

I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.

Me trying to “trust the process”

colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000

*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

Orange: Knock knock

Apple: Who’s there?

O: Orange

A: Orange who?

O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?

A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!

I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless

“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”

– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise

I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.

Me: I love these lazy Sundays.

Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!

When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica

Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.

Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch

Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat

Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.

You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.

Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.

8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?

M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?

Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.

friend saw this guy on the apps lol

How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea

Me: *rocks boat*

Her: Hey!

Me: *rocks faster*

Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?

Me: I do.

Friend: You need help?

Me: I need to write a couple letters.

Friend: OK

Me: Not those.

LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

LETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over

I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem

CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint

You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.

(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)

(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)

(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)

You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?