*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
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The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
i choose….tongue
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
How do you like your Corgi?
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin