*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
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Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Camel dough
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.