*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
You Might Also Like
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator