Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”

The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.

My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.

I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird

It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.

Yes that is a knife in my pocket, and no I’m not happy to see you.

So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.

When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny

Got my mate for secret Santa (guy who spends all his time grooming his beard, drinking whisky, oiling his beard, drinking beer, combing his beard, drinking coffee, and wearing novelty Star Wars clothing) and I’m stumped

just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers

me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around

I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.

Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.

I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.

I think I’m on to something here.

Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.

The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.

Can’t, The Thundercats need me.

Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.

Cold.

I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.

I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.

They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.

“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”

– Me, drunk at Target

Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.

If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.

[their last appetizer]

Her: I don’t want it. You have it.

Him: I don’t want it either, you…

Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it

My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.

The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day

Dammit Chief not again