Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.

Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.

Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that

“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.

what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself

The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.

I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.

“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs

How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it

Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?

*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™

If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.

Wait …

“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….

and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.

– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*

My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*

Me: Well. Hi.

My cat: You’re very clingy.

UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality

NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.

Confused yet?

I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.

King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*

-Medieval Brahs

When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.

The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.

Don’t ask me how evolution works!

17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*

Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*

My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.

*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*

I won’t say anything if you don’t.

*continues rummaging*

Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies

Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.

Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD

Cop: get down!

Me: *starts dancing*

Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER

My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!