*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
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ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
What do you hear?
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
I’m not average. I’m mean.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
