Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one

I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!

My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.

[packing for holiday]

WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase

ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen

I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for

Them: how does 9am sound?

Me: sounds like you’re dead to me

[car slides off road in a snowstorm]

Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me

[we both laugh as he drives away]

[still stuck 10 hours later]

Wife:
Me: I regret nothing

“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library

[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda

I like to take long walks away from stupid people.

The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.

Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.

Time flies like an arrow…

But fruit flies like a banana.

“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises

Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨

Kentucky names the shit out of places

3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.

nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.

My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.

They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.

Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.

wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job

Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks

Larry (a garden gnome):

Me: oh my god you’re so handsome

We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.

[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?

I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.

I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.

HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure

This made me chuckle cuz mood

*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*

Time to seize the day.