Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?

Me:

Me:

Me: That’s exactly what it means.

Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?

Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.

Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?

smokey robinson: tears of a clown

witch: where did you get this recipe

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.

In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.

ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house

[hs reunion]

JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital

I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.

*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*

Me: *patting mask* thank you

Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood

Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here

I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.

All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.

I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.

[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.

Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.

Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!

Doctor: is your finger broken?

No, I don’t think so….

Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.

Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.

Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.

“FOUND ‘EM!”

Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…

It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.

Amen.

“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.

My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?

Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.

My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.

This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up

I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.

An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.