Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water

Guy 2: why

Guy 2: well it’s shark week

Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is

They must have gotten it to go.

How can you tell a vampire has the virus?

He’ll be coffin.

I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.

garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move

doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon

Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.

we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone

For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-

Order a “quickie”

then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.

I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.

you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me

Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.

*files a restraining order against reality*

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.

Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.

Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!

Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.

Doctor: Describe your usual day

Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat

Doctor: Okay I see the problem

Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or

“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*

[last meal on death row]

“Pepper?”

*nods*

“Say when”

*winks to camera*

“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops

Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn

I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.

I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.

That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned

Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

*Husband buys me flowers*

Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.

Him: But you keep buying the cat food.

Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.