gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
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I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
two people or more is called a problem
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.