gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes

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I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever


Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel


My husband drives me to drink.

Unless a friend volunteers.


Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”

Me: “Errr. Sure?”

*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*


No, I can’t make it to your hair washing party tonight. I’m washing my h… erm i mean my dog ate my grandmother is dead.


I just hate when these girls take selfies on road specially when i am peeing in the background.


I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.


Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.


Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here