@jonnysun

gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes

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@RidiculousDak

I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever

@mrjohndarby

Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel

@Darlainky

My husband drives me to drink.

Unless a friend volunteers.

@KirstyWebeck

Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”

Me: “Errr. Sure?”

*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*

@jazmasta

No, I can’t make it to your hair washing party tonight. I’m washing my h… erm i mean my dog ate my grandmother is dead.

@iGreenMonk

I just hate when these girls take selfies on road specially when i am peeing in the background.

@OneFunnyMummy

I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.

@trumpetcake

Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.

@AnkCoupleTO

Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here