gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
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In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Born to be mild.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.