getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
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I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
Covid like
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Planning a wild goose chase if anyone wants anything
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them