getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
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I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
If only.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly