getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
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My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Still a very good boi….
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
the world’s most popular steaming services
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.