getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
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“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Me: We are leaving in an hour
Teens: Okay
*58 mins later*
Teens: *start cooking their lunch*
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?