getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
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Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.