Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.

[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.

So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.

I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot

blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”

britain’s three elite institutions

My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age

Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?

My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.

Always remember…. A mirror never lies.

(Fatty)

alcoholic: you drive me to drink

designated driver: ok

Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*

😂

The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation

Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?

Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*

*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*

*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*

Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.

I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂

First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

ME: hey did u get my letter?

HER: No

ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now

HER: You mean carrier pigeon?

ME: lol what

I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.

As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it

“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son

Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.

Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

Rapunzel: … Why tho

Witch: I wanna climb the tower

Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here

Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you

Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link

14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.

If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away

Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?