Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not saying I was a gullible kid but my sister once gave me scissors and said “Grandma needs us to trim the carpet”

Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way

I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.

titanic

Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes

Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat

My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order

Me to my children: I would kill and die for you

Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE

A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.

[highspeed chase]

ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*

[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]

Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first

[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today

“is everything alright?”

[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no

found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today

I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.

TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger

Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.

Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.

Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.

I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”

Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit

Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!

Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!

[first day in hell]

hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat

waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir

me: wow this isn’t so bad

group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-

5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”

-a potato

so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.

Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.

Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.