Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses

“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”

Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.

me: *holding bowling ball*

friend: going bowling?

me: nope— playing enormous marbles

Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me

I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…

[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]

i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’

When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.

I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.

My appointment is for a colonoscopy.

If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think

Bay: come over

Me: no, I’m watching TMNT

Bay: I made one too

Me: but it’s awful

Bay: come watch it

Me: who gave you my number, Michael

Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.

my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going

I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.

But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.

If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.

If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed

I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI

me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving

my kids: are ALL the presents for you

me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them

3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once

Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes

Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.

Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.

At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up

When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”

that lettuce in your fridge is now a souvenir

What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls