Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*

*being abducted by aliens*

Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?

The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?

At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…

“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”

I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.

As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.

tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes

Cop: Stand on one leg

Me: *does it*

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards

Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba

Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything

Me: *starts sweating*

Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.

[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]

“Dammit!”

The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.

You do you.

I’m gonna do me.

*married sex

How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”

Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*

Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct

Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.

Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.

Take care of yourself, ladies

I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.

one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain

At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.

Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔

6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*

“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”

Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*

The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.

[after sex]

ME: that was…magnificently stupefying

HER: please put the thesaurus down

Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did

Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”