[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
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I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
