*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
I wonder who thought it was a good idea to put dart boards in bars.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
