*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Pretty much. 🤣
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
