getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony
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When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me