getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony
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Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message