Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have questions??

My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.

In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.

I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.

I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.

“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.

Everyone “I learned a lesson ”

Me: “Imma do it again!”

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water

[first date]

Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?

Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*

the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE

Cop: have you been drinking tonight?

Me: no sir

Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated

If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.

Level of high: 7/10

i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us

Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife

Me: It’s murder monday

Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday

Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.

[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?

Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.

the icebreaker

Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap

i hope my email finds you on fire

I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.

i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults

If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??

shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween

My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff

Dr: How may I help?

Me: Wife says I’m overweight

D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands

[later]

Wife: How’d it go?

M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music

Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple

Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back