getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony
You Might Also Like
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up
wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.