Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
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Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
In space, no one can hear…
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
OH. COME. ON.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
You can’t spell dyslexia without sexy.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*