Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
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Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
weird email i got today
I believe the plural is “milves.”
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1×8, or 6+9
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
🤣
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
I march to the beat of my own dumb
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.