getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
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The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
no way 😭
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Life cycle of cat
