getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
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Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
“OMGJK” -atheists
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Well, shit
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.