Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…

Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.

6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead

-Me after pizza

[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine

I’m only up to Covid 15.

No Spoilers Please!

Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.

A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”

A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?

“Are you submissive? 😏”

No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose

hi, how are you?

–yoda asking how high you are

Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.

Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.

But no, she’s still alive.

“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant

Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.

Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby

[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*

I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.

So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.

If you love someone, let them go.

If they don’t come back, get a dog.

me: how was school?

son: i got in trouble today

me: what for?

son: kung fu fighting

me: wow I’m so disappointed

son: but everybody was doing it

Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.

Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.

I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.

ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.

ARRESTING OFFICER: No.

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.

ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it

murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons

me: i’ll wait

Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.

Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge

PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face

COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect

I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.