Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*looking at my messy home*

Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.

*5 mins later, crying*

I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!

*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel

Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.

Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.

I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality

I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.

[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.

slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.

If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.

Date: I’m looking for security

Me: I double knot my shoelaces

Date: but also excitement

Me: together

Relationship status:

My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.

(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)

Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.

Me: Okay what the

Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.

Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?

The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.

Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.

Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.

It’s password awareness Friday.

Today I offer free consulting.

Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.

Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”

-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.

Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks

And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.

An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.

Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial

One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest

*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]

*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]

Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.

CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE