getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
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My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
a public service announcement
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.