Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
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-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Thursday Thought.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Be the reason someone burns sage.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles