Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too

Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.

[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here

Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.

Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too

BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.

The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground

One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.

“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.

I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.

I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.

Me: *has cold*

Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe

Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.

Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.

*at museum*

Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?

Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things

Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here

Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy

My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”

oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying

I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.

I think they could have phrased this better

Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.

*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend

me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:

[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash

NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon

Me: good, return them to their natural habitat

I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.

Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00

Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat

My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.