Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour

Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong

Me: I haven’t started yet

I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.

I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.

her: what are you watching?

me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy

her:

me:

her: are you describing sh—

me: yeah it’s shrek again

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead

*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good

How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?

My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.

[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]

So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.

My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose

Me:

Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?

The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back

What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.

Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.

do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit

In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.

Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.

Me: *hands him my underwear*

Dr:……

Me: Its all there.

my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”

Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back

Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]

“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”

Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.

came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!

There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”

The photographer’s assistant

If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.

A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird

No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.

Judge: That’s my job!

If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it