Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all

kids: oh no

wife: oh no

parents: oh no

me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO

No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living

Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.

Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while

Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately

Me: Really?

5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for

Me: omg

Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?

Her: No, thanks.

Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?

Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.

Me:🤦🏻‍♂️

your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice

this will hang in the louvre one day

An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.

We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.

We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!

We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.

Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.

stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.

I see where she gets it from.

I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.

12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.

Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point

My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.

We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.

Cop: Do you understand your rights?

NASCAR driver: My what

Me: sobbing in the shower

Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet

Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂

I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.

If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.

Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy

My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.

There were no tacos in there. Please send help.

I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)

I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.