[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
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I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Cause of death: Zumba
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin