Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game

High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years

My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.

Me when my alarm goes off

Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.

shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can

Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.

What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists

Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.

Scientists have proven that combination locks are a lot harder to open when you have to pee.

Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral

Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.

“I can’t eat all of that!”

… and other lies I tell

Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.

The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…

Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

google: please stop

me: more frogs with teeth

If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.

Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.

Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.

DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.

god: okay the day that is happening now is called today

angel: *writing* ok

god: and the day that just ended is called terday

angel: terday?

god: yes terday

angel: *writing* ok

I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.

A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots

“Can I copy your homework?”

“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”

“Ok.”