Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.

Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.

ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.

ME: I’d wait until next week.

Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”

I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.

just wait til i figure out what algorithm means

Joseph Smith, 1833

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.

If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.

Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’

Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints

The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.

And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile

It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.

you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

How animals would run if they were human

Do furries go to doctors or vets?

North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.

Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.

9yo: Who took my hair tie?

Me: I didn’t.

9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.

Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday

Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.

If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.

can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?

I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.

Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”