Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
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I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.
-The inventor of duct tape, probably
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
This is what makes twitter great
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!