getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
You Might Also Like
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Watson was Holmes schooled
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Me: Donates my body to science
Science: Donates my body to Goodwill
Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store