getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
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Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
will i understand Nosferatu if i haven’t seen Nosfera 1
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
