getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
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surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Tremendous stuff
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
The fall of Netflix
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,