Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
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god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Self-cleaning conscience
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
The Struggle
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues