Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
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[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.
Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.