Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts

But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no

I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.

Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.

If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day

Me: *trying to sleep*

Gf: Babe?

Me: Hmm?

Her: Why will she be riding six white horses when she comes?

Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.

*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*

Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.

Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!

Me: I didn’t mean for you.

*flips bird*

*buys another bird with the profits*

Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika

The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.

Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”

There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!

ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important

Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard

Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.

*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*

Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE

sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.

I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.

If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it

[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord

[2 months into relationship]

HER: you’ve changed

ME: [proudly] showered, too

Him: *Head in hands*

Her: What’s happened?

Him: Well- I…I… I found this head

I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.

Guy – “Hey are you famous?”

Me – “No.”

Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”

Me – “I don’t speak English.”

Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”

Me – “The Ukraine.”

Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”

Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”

Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.

They should make a moral fiber supplement

My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids