Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?

When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?

Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.

why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2

fired

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

Dress for the job you want others to think you have.

The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.

[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too

[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well

[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict

God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.

Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.

Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.

So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.

Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?

Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!

[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*

My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.

Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!

7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.

a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?

me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?

my cat: yes

HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.

10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”

Anyways it was Eminem.

A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.

Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap

ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮

I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.

my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…

*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:

Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.

Have you tried complaining about it for hours?