[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
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My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…
“Ow! I’m brined!”
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup