Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
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My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
mentally somewhere in italy
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here