Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date

Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman

feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?

Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.

I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination

My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.

I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.

I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”

Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.

The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.

paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured

me: [only hurt my leg] what

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”

walking out of the bob dylan movie and wondering why I didn’t know any of the songs or why he was a monkey

[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back

Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.

Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.

Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period

Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.

When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things

To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.

I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.

They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.

Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.

NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money

When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question

Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.

3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.

Me: Okay—

3: And bite people.