Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
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what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
I don’t believe him.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed