Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
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Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
[first day at CIA]
Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?
[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?