[getting a retweet]
“I’VE BEEN PUBLISHED”
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I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.
I do this on a Steffi Graph.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion