[getting a retweet]
“I’VE BEEN PUBLISHED”
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Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes