Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.

A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.

I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel

[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]

Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?

Girl: am I the dinner?

Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no

Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?

He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.

Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.

If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.

[school of hard knocks]

TEACHER: you’re late

ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked

TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn

My grandma sailed on the Titanic.

She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”

Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.

i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple

I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.

Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.

(I didn’t say best, I said creative)

I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”

Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two

cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”

My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.

My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.

Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.

#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.

They are so full of themselves.

You didn’t make the team.

*me as your life coach

I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.

I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.

And now…a ‘joke’.

“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”

“What seems to be the problem, madam?”

“It’s ROAR in the middle”

“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”

*coughs*

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

People: My cell phone isn’t working today

Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.

People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?

Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.