[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
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Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
Love is always patient and kind.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.