[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
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Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Milk Cube
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Breaking news:
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*