[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
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Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Sniffing the broccoli
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
The old gods are rising again.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!