Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
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I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
The dog seemed okay with living in a Jewish household until we scheduled his circumcision
gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Can you solve the riddle??
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple