Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
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YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
B
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”