Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.

Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”

Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.

*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.

sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.

My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.

The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.

I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.

“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”

*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge

“This is the wrong video”

“No this is right”

I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.

My purse is deeper than some people.

starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone

trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs

A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.

(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein

10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.

shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice

[first karate lesson]

Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!

Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?

Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*

[Heaven]

God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth

Stan Lee: Nuff said!

God: It’s just part of the job

Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]

[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.

Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.

My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.

NETFLIX: Skip intro?

ME: Yes.

NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.

ME: Should…should I not skip it?

NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.

ME: Okay, skip intro.

NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.

It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby

wife: I’m having a baby.

me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.

I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.

He took my last fry, your honor

have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war

Best part about marriage?

NO MORE CONDOMS!!!

Worst part about marriage?

No more sex.