Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

EXPLORER: so we found all this new land

KING: Sweet What did you name it?

E: Newfoundland

K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: Street magic

the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters

instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave

me: oui chef

Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover

Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again

If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat

Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.

went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me

Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.

[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”

Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG

*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe

If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.

I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.

Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.

I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.

Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol

Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.

Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?

I can easily control the weather.

– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado

Me: my grandfather was George Washington

Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather

Me: i mean he was okay

HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.

I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?

Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.

Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore

[Airplane]

Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”

My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”

Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”

Emma is smarter than all of us.

If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.

After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance