Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo

6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.

Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:

I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.

Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree

Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit

The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

FISHERMAN: Which one?

What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?

Friend: Good for you for working out.

Me: I said I done squat today.

Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?

[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat

The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!

ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie

My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.

we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy

Me: I’m depressed

Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA

Me: How will that help?!

Doctor: Who’s a good boy?

Me: I AM

my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.

nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end

Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.

Me: 35%?!?… amateur

Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.

they should invent a hydrating liquor

Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.

I’m not afraid of spiders.

I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.

Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.

Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs

Jeremy: That’s really cool dad

Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually

5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”

Me, “No.”

5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”

sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.

wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

me: *imagining it* no but I want to

For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.

When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.