Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes

You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

[on a date]

him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone

me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*

8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.

If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg

Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it

My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.

She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…

The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself

ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES

The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.

The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets

No, Autocorrect ….

the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –

though she can be devilish at times.

rich people: be like me, invest in stocks

also rich people: no not like that

I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass

Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.

Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?

Doctor: I hate this job.

My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning

stephen king’s mind:

what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?

they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly

I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters

I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days

We are dating

HER: Boxers or briefs?

ME: Depends

HER: Really? But you look so young.

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

16: They asked me for my email.

12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!

16: Ewww, I know!

*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me

I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.

Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.