Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together

My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat

Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair

My cat: it’s perfect I love it

My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too

INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—

ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.

INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—

ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.

All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.

Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?

5: it was really loud

Me: loud?

5: yes because I screamed the whole time!

“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds

The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.

My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.

wishing you and yours all the best

One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.

SEVEN DEADLY SINS

Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting

IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.

Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now

Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.

Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.

Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…

People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.

Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?

Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.

Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

“There are way too many people in there.”

~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo

Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head

“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”

– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.

*carves turkey

*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep

Batman-

See, kids?

Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.

I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.