Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
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FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.