Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
You Might Also Like
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers