Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
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whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
Growing out my freckles.
Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Today, a coworker was tellin’ me about her son. Last week, he got caught skippin’ school. And his punishment? A week’s suspension!🤔🤣
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.