Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her

As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey

her: what?

me: what?

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace

Friend: I have bad knees.

Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!

My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

*Types*

I have lumps on my head.

WebMD: Batman

Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.

[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up

How’s adulting going for me today u ask?

Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car

While using my phone as a flashlight.

i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports

[bum holds his hand out]

“can I have some change?”

change comes from within

“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”

Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise

Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.

My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”

One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.

Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year

I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.

I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.

Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house

Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons

Me: What about the housekeeper

Gma: Already talked to her

Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair

Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy

[grocery store]

CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident

ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”

CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…

ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”

Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?

6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’

4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’

excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries

me, interrupting a couple fighting

Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads

I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.