Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.

I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.

Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me

“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”

Brain: Perfect!

The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.

Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait

Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.

Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.

I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.

One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper

My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.

If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back

Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.

Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.

Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”

It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge

My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.

[first day as a 911 operator]

guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!

me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.

8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.

Me: you don’t say…

Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

Worth the read.

Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes

Me: So what?

K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts

M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out

“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice

Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.

Ritually cleansing* the new house

*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals

You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie

My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT

Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”