@JohnnyCrash5

Getting a woman:

1.Select the woman u like
2. Lick her face
3. She is now yours take her home

HAHAHAHAHAHA

I’ve been arrested 10 times

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@pharmasean

If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you

@liz_buckley

People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

@punished_picnic

2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt

@MK_Shenanigans

I forgot FB was not Twitter & posted something ultra dirty.

Now I have to avoid my granndma, change my hair color & leave the state.

@motrboatr

I do feel bad for some of you who complain about all the unwanted attention you get on Twitter. Maybe you should try notepad, or word.

@MNateShyamalan

my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote

me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe

@badbanana

Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.

@TheIronSherk

The best part of a handshake is the knuckles. I dunno why, but the blender just brings out their richness and flavour