I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
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Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”