Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine me riding a bike.

Wrong.

There’s no seat.

Did we do it, did we save the daylight

If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.

i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations

Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.

Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”

Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.

A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.

If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.

check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad

If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…

Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail

The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.

*A guide to 1st dates*

Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.

I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were

The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter

why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner

Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.

Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water

Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at

[Bedroom]

Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that

Her: Sure you do

Him: Time me *holds breath again*

Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up

The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer

…and send

Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”

You are what you delete.

What Bob, you’re interrupting.

Y’all know who you are.

my life is ruined
i wish to live no more

never mind i found the remote.