Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
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The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?