Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
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[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.