Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date: i want a good listener

superman: 🙂

date: who can see inner beauty

superman: 🙂

date: and looks good in glasses

clark kent: 🙂

date: wait what the hell

just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping

When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.

I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.

Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call

You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.

Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”

I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.

a god among men

Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know I can run 83 mph?

I have patio furniture in the friend zone.

Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.

I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.

One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.

Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.

Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?

[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!

She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.

please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.

Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.

I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.

Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.

I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.

i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real

Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible

Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.

her: your frog jokes are terrible

me: so i’ve been toad, jen